It occurs to me…

“…and remember what peace there may be in silence.”  Desiderata – Max Ehrmann

So easy to forget, “what peace there may be in silence.”  Often, silence makes me uncomfortable, and there seems to be this inherent need to fill it by saying or doing something, anything.  But it occurs to me that just as light seeps in through the cracks, that still small voice that can’t be heard in the cacophony of life seeps in through the silence – and I need that still small voice.

I am reading a book on gratitude by Robert Emmons – Gratitude Works.  One chapter, though 100 pages into the book, caught my eye, so I read it first: The Biggest Obstacle to Gratitude – and Its Remedy.  It seems odd to me that he would wait until five chapters in the book to share this, but then if I read the four chapters, it might make sense.  In any event, it turns out that the biggest obstacle to gratitude is entitlement (ugh!), and the remedy for it is humility (ugh x 2).  This paragraph from the book states it so well that I won’t try to improve on it:

“Gratitude is the recognition that live owes me nothing and all the good I have is a gift.  It is a response to all that has been given.  It is not a getting of what we may desire.  My eyes are a gift.  So is my wife, my clothes, my job, my every breath.  This is a major shift.  Recognizing that everything good in life is ultimately a gift is a fundamental truth of reality.  Humility makes that recognition possible.  The humble person says, ‘How can I not be filled with overflowing gratitude?”

Indeed, how can I not be filled with overflowing gratitude?  Well, somehow, I seem to find a way.  I’ll go back and start at the first chapter.

“If you compare yourself with others you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”   Sunscreen – Baz Luhman

That settles in – “for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”  It highlights the dual risk of comparison, pride and guilt.

“Because I am/have _____ I am/must be superior to those who aren’t/don’t.”

“Why do I deserve to be ____ when that person is ____?”

It occurs to me that the resolution lies in gratefulness – being thankful for what I have, whatever I have.  It may be more than some, less than others, but it is what I have.

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is to let it rain.”

Henry Wordsworth Longfellow

This hits home with me today.  Granted, the achiever in me will never be resigned to a total life of resignation, but as Kenny Rogers would say, we have to “know when to hold ‘em , know when to fold ‘em.”  As my friend Russ Adams used to remind me, sometimes, when you find yourself in the desert, you just accept it and make peace with the desert.  Or stated in Longfellow’s terms, okay, it may be raining, but I’ll do my best to stay dry, and the sun’s gotta shine sometime.

“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”  Henry Wordsworth Longfellow

Now there is a sobering thought – and, on reflection, likely a true one.  It is easy to be quick to judge actions of others as being focused on/against me.  “That asshole cut ME off in traffic” may really be the other driver needed to change lanes to make the exit and my car (among thousands of others on the road) happened to be the one behind him at that moment.

Granted, “enough to disarm all hostility” is a lofty goal, but it does sound a bit better than “enough to shame me and put me in my place for being such selfish and insensitive prig.”

“For my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.  And they began to be merry.”  Luke 15:24

Reading this today made me think of renewal – death to life, lost to found….  It occurs to me that I go through many renewals each day, renewals in thinking, in perceptions, in attitudes and beliefs – at least on good days I do.  Some days I relentlessly cling to those old thoughts, beliefs, perceptions with the unwavering certainty that the way things are, at least the way I see and understand them, is the way they are and ought to be – period.  It is difficult for renewal to squeeze in through a closed door.

“Astonishing material and revelation appear in our lives all the time….  We just have to be open for business.”  Anne Lamott

The revelations surround me, or the opportunities for revelation surround me, but as Lamott notes, unless I recognize them as such, acknowledge their presence, unless I am “open for business,” the revelations are not realized, they are just things or occurrences often perceived as obstacles in my way – MY way.  The sunrise I ignore on the way to the airport to catch an early flight or the sunset view from the plane I ignore on the flight back — so many opportunities for “astonishing material and revelation [to] appear in our lives” are missed because we are not truly “open for business.”  Am I “open for business?”  I fear I am more like the shop owner who decides each day just what type customers I will allow into the store.  Today, I will allow in left-handed blonde males under six feet tall not wearing a hat.  Tomorrow, it is black-haired females wearing some red article of clothing and brown shoes.  And I wonder why business is slow!

This today from Anne Lamott, Help, Thanks, Wow:

“Most of us figure out by a certain age – some of us later than others – that life unspools in cycles, some lovely, some painful, but in no predictable order.  So you could have lovely, painful, and painful again, which I think we all agree is not at all fair.  You don’t have to like it, and you are always welcome to file a brief with the Complaints Department.  But if you’ve been around awhile, you know that much of the time, if you are patient and are paying attention, you will see that God will restore what the locusts have taken away.”

This rings true to me on many fronts, but the two most significant things that jump out of the text for me are 1) “if you are patient” and 2) “if you are paying attention.”  I suppose these jump out at me as I rarely meet either condition.  Still, I think it is true that “much of the time” (not all of the time) “God will restore what the locusts have taken away.”  The restoration may not be exactly the same, and let’s face it, it isn’t always to my tastes, preferences, or likings, but it is restoration nonetheless.  Be patient.  Pay attention.

This quote from Christian Wiman, By Love We Are Led to God, was tossed my way:

“[Y]ou must not swerve from the engagements God offers you. These will occur in the most unlikely places, and with people for whom your first instinct may be aversion.”

I like that.  “[T]he engagements God offers you” sounds so much better than the way I often see it – “the shit life throws my way.”  But Wiman is correct.  These engagements, these opportunities (even when not readily seen as such), are from God, and they often occur in unexpected places.  They often, frequently even, come from people I would not have predicted to be the source, from people I would just as soon have avoided.  All of which, I guess, goes to show you what little I know, or at least understand.